Changes between a Top and Bottom

[sarafina]

i am here tonight, and restless. i dont feel like blogging, and there isnt much going on right now. i could use a good thoughtful discussion so i figgered id start one. or try to at least.

what kind of experiences have people here had (Tops and bottoms) with shifting dynamics in relationships. fromthe day i met J we had a very clear dynamic. His dominance was rock solid and his awareness of me, of how i respond was dead on. its one of the reasons i became so attached to him so quickly. it took anly a mattewr of 8 weeks to realize that i had found someone who could rock my world in a way that would allow me to grow in ways that i really needed to. for 17 months our relationship grew and evolved in so many directions and in so many ways. sometimes i would struggle to move to where J ws taking me, but i felt so safe with him i was able tostrech limits i never knew i could. and not just in kinky sexusal ways. in emotional ways as well. as i learned to submit and to give it up to him i learned how to understand myself so much better. to like myself better as well. and the june hit. we moved into one house and began to all the stuff that was entailed in that move. J was left with his elf esteem and pride just ground to dust. being physically limited by a sever back injury and dealing with being unable to get a job with the injury after having quit the one he had so he could move... feeling like he had no *place* in our home. there were so many challenges. and he and i did not rise up to meet them very sucessfully. anyone around here much prolly knows the massy drama that has been the result of that move in june.

what i am interested in now is the future. i am wondering in my heart and soul what the future could hold for us. our relationship has slipped to an almost vanilla, sexless existance. my sense of belonging to him, which was so strong from the first has faded under the onslaught of negative messages i have dealt with. his natural role as the leader in our dynamic has eroded until he no long feels safe in my arms either to express that part of himself.

and i dont have any idea if that is something that will come back. can it come back? grow up again into something rich and rewarding and fullfilling?

i love J and i dont think that if the answer if *no, it can't* that i would want the relationship to end. but i would be awful sad at what we have lost.

what experience have people here had in the shifing power exchanges and the ebb nad flow that i am talking about?

can i hold hope in my heart?


sara

[hana]

This is onna those topics i cannot offer any real advice on.. 'cause i've never been in a situation like that..
but.. i just wanted to say that i read your question.... and i hope that things can come back... ~ and.. i think maybe there is always room for hope... even though i sometimes forget that myself...

[juliesyourangel]

i know that H and i went through lots of changes as we have been married ten almost eleven years. after the kids and after i graduated college and started my career and as i grew up.

i think the only thing that got us through was talking through it..... and grinning and bearing it some of the time when the other one was a jackass.

i dont know if that is helpful at all. b ut it took lots of talking and writing out feelings and long walks with nothing said..... just being together , quiet and holding hands mended alot.

i dont know if any of that is helpful at all. but i am sending you all of my well wishes and a hug whenever you want it.

hope is a great thing... as long as there is hope, i think that says alot. lean on us here as much as you can. i know everyone wants you to feel safe and loved and no matter what happens we will support you.

--- julie

[skeeterdoo]

I know my response to this question is way late but I felt like I needed to say someting too. I am in a relationship that is Daddy and babygirl and Master and submissive at the same time. Sometimes the D/s side is lost due to the Daddy/bg coming out so strong. I have often wondered what would happen to me if something happened to Daddy that he couldn't spank me or be his dominant self, but then I think of the intense love between us and I realize that this part of our lives are second to the real part and that is our loving relationship that we have. We both have strengths and weaknesses and I think that sometimes me being strong has to come out and Daddy being strong has to come out. I don't care how incapcitated he becomes all I need from my Daddy is approval that I'm doing a good job and to be cuddled by him and yes if I mess up even if he's still flat on his back he could still take a crack at my behind with a paddle and make me stand in the corner and then later come back to him for a hug. I know that watching your Daddy being in such a weakened state is hard cause Daddys are suppose to be strong always but he'll get better and so will your relationship maybe not 100% but it will get better if he does what he has to do. LIke my Daddy always says "This too shall pass". Don't worry your daddy is still there he just needs to go through whatever he's feeling before he decides he's sick of feeling that way then he'll fix it. Talk to him and tell him that you miss your daddy and ask him if he could at least cuddle with you , maybe that in itself will make him realize he needs to change his attitude about things. you can heal easier with a positive attitude and being down like that takes its toll.

[skeeterdoo]

PS) Since my answer was so late, how is your daddy doing now btw. I hurt my back years ago and was flat out on the couch for weeks. Your back is one thing that will never heal itself but you can do things to help it one is strengthing the muscles in your stomach to support your back and you can do this by a simple breathing technique. you breath in all the way and out all the way two times then suck as much air into your lungs as you can and hold it but tighten your stomach up at the same time and hold for a count of 10 then let the air out. Repeat this a few times a day and you can strengthen the muscles in your tummy or your daddy can without hurting his back.

[sarafina]

we have our ups mixed in with the downs.... the last few days have been downs and i am just coming off the stress of having him being upset and not knowing why... now i know and if i had known 3 days ago the weekend would have been alot happier... or at least more plesant....

getting him to talk is like pulling teeth and he does NOT understand that when thinsg are hard is when you most need to pull together....

but... we are still together.. and over the 8 weeks or so since i posted this we have had some reall lows that have left me feeling desperate, and we have had a few times where a bit of how we used to be has surfaced at least in a little way...

i am working very hard to hold on to those good moments as proof against the bad ones. and as proof that somewhere in there deep within our relationship there is still a tiny nubbun of what made us Uus to begin with... and so long as that is there i am really hoping and praying that someday we will be able to find our way back....