Where Age Play Fits in BDSM

[babymonkeys]

Hey All,

I wanted to know everyones thoughts on an issue i've been having....

I've been interested in ageplay forever, but only recently started to actively look for someone to explore with. And as far as things go, my active looking isn't very active. However, I come across a constant problem. Whether I meet someone at a munch, in a chatroom, or through a personal... it always seems that they don't really understand ageplay (as i know it) even though they say they do.

What I mean is... frequently someone will be all, "I know and understand what you need" and then further conversation will reveal that really they don't. Sometimes it makes me feel that I just don't fit in within the BDSM community because my desire to be little is bigger then any other desire I have. I think what I want to ask is if others have had this problem, or these feelings? Do guardians looking for a little come across people who aren't really interested in ageplay as anything more than a one time scene? How do you communicate how important this lifestyle is to you compared to other interests?

I don't know if I'm making any sense... It all just leaves me feeling... lost. And sometimes kinda lonely.

erin michelle

p.s. ~ I really hope I put this in the right place... i agonized over where to post my thoughts

[Lei]

It is a really hard search, and I admit I have been so lucky, but sometimes it is easier to groom someone who you really click with into what you need just as they are doing to you with their needs. My relationship looks nothing like I thought my "Ideal" relationship would b at all, but I am more pleased with the twists and turns, than I think I would have been if everything had gone according to my little book. Ageplay is something that is looked on in a very bad light in many BDSM circles, one of our roommates who had been in BDSM for many years still makes smart ass little comments at times about it, and the other roommate doesn't have a clue as to some of the nature of our relationship and is quite happy with her vanilla viewpoint, because she looks down at BDSM totally, and just ignores the smacking sounds at midnight coming from our room. My point is that it is not very accepted and many people are unwilling to admit they have this desire, it can be lonely because when I have a ? about things and I want to "talk" about it, there is no one to "talk" to unless it is here on GI, which has been a godsend to me. I have tried to talk to the roommate that is into BDSM but all she does is tell me I need to get more self confidence and go Domme, which is what she recently did (from a rather hardcore sub). Even having been a sub, she doesn't get my need to go to those places, and she tells me I have something wrong with me (which I disagree with). If you go into a chatroom on ALT and bring up ageplay even in the "Sub" room, oh my god it doesn't go very well at all. I think there are a few really good "natural" daddies out there, but for the most part, I think most are made, you need to raise them to that status as they are re-raising you.

[chipmunkcheeks]

Lei, what a great response. You have hit the nail on the head. I myself have tried ALT a few times, I always end up chatting with someone who has no clue and just wants to abuse me. I especially understand since I am married to a vanilla man, who is still undergoing my "grooming" stratagy. It can be a bumpy road. All I can say is DONT give up looking for that special person who will fit your needs even if it isn't in the way you expected. BDSM and Ageplay can be very complicated, and no two people see it the same way, you must communicate with the person you are with so you can compromise and meet each others needs.

[Jazz]

I fully agree with chipmunk and lei.

The relationship I am in now started out as all Dom/sub BDSM life and age play was talked about and it was known that i have an inner child it just took us both time to settle in and feel okay enough to go there. In the past I would have just let it all out full force and called someone Daddy because I wanted it to work so bad and no matter how badly I was treated I wanted a Daddy more then anything and was willing to take what came. However with my Daddy now it is a totaly different story. The first few times I even let my inner out it was so nerve wracking for me because i didnt want to be hurt again and I didnt want to let it out only to have to hide it a few minutes later. Now in our relationship the only time I am "big" is when I am at work and even then I still sneak phone calls to my Daddy just so I can be lil even at work.

All relationships take time, work and a lot of trust to make it happen. So maybe looking for a Daddy right off isnt the best way to go. Make sure he knows that is something you are interested in and its a part of you so it doesnt come a surprise down the road to him and slowly bring it into the relationship.. again just my thoughts.

I wish you the bestest of luck though.

Jazz

[saffy]

I think ageplay does fit under the bdsm umbrella.  Really, I think that the trouble is how many different *definitions* there are of ageplay and the negative connotations associated with it (with good reason in some cases).

When I went looking for a Daddy, I was already involved in the bdsm community here.  There were Dominant men who let it be known that they were interested in me.  But, none of them gave off the daddy vibe that I needed.  There were a couple that kindofsortof did (as in they gave off some daddy vibes even though they didn't express any interest or special knowledge in ageplay or littles/inners), but they happened to be taken and not looking.   

In the general world of "searching" I came across a lot of roleplayer types who wanted to have a scene where I "played at" bein' whatever age and it was all laid out (y'know like I'm the daddy and you're the babysitter or mommy is at work or whatever) and I came across a lot of closet pedophiles who either asked if I had kids or started making veiled comments about biokids, AND I came across quite a few "sugar daddy" types who wanted me to be their cute sextoy in exchange for shopping trips.  It was very frustrating. 

In the bdsm community itself I guess I was more cautious.  I didn't talk about it unless I recognized someone had some traits that I considered "daddyish" and then I always started out by talking about that aspect of it and seeing how they reacted...the whole aspect of how some D/s relationships have a very parental/nurturing feel to them.

I came to the island looking for a daddy, and I consider myself pretty lucky that I met someone on the snuggery side who turned out to be good for me.  He was Papabear over there back then.  I ain't sayin that he's perfect or never messed up, but I'm sayin' that his heart is in the right place and he loves the inner me as much as he loves the outer me and he has worked awfully hard to be a better person and I think he is a wonderful person. 

Anyways, what I wanted to say was that Papabear it turned out was in the bdsm lifestyle already, but because he was having such a hard time finding a innergirl in the bdsm community, he decided to sit aside his desires for the bdsm part of things and look for what mattered most to him - finding a innergirl to be a Daddy to. 

So we met here on the island and I was afraid a little to tell him about my bdsm interests because I was afraid bein' masochistic or bein' someone involved in munches or bein' someone who was, well, KINKY, would make him not interested in me.  I was real upfront and honest, though.....so he was kinda chucklin' to himself inside when he was tellin' me it really was ok......because in reality it was more than ok. 

I guess I am saying that Papabear and I could have (conceivably) met in a more traditional bdsm venue (isn't that funny to think of bdsm as traditional? lol) and matched up......versus meeting here and matching up.  Either way, it's like a needle in a haystack thing because it IS a subset of a subset so to speak...so it is kinda rare and takes a lotta time and kissin' a lotta frogs (or at least talkin to them!) to find the one that is the prince or princess for you.

So I'm sorry you're runnin' into a lot of frogs, but I hope you don't give up 'cause if you find the right one for you...then it's worth it.

~saffy

[Unka Bobby]

Hey All,

I wanted to know everyones thoughts on an issue i've been having....

I've been interested in ageplay forever, but only recently started to actively look for someone to explore with. And as far as things go, my active looking isn't very active. However, I come across a constant problem. Whether I meet someone at a munch, in a chatroom, or through a personal... it always seems that they don't really understand ageplay (as i know it) even though they say they do.

What I mean is... frequently someone will be all, "I know and understand what you need" and then further conversation will reveal that really they don't. Sometimes it makes me feel that I just don't fit in within the BDSM community because my desire to be little is bigger then any other desire I have. I think what I want to ask is if others have had this problem, or these feelings? Do guardians looking for a little come across people who aren't really interested in ageplay as anything more than a one time scene? How do you communicate how important this lifestyle is to you compared to other interests?

I don't know if I'm making any sense... It all just leaves me feeling... lost. And sometimes kinda lonely.

erin michelle

p.s. ~ I really hope I put this in the right place... i agonized over where to post my thoughts

The differences and similarities between Ageplay and other D/s both have to do with this place. About 10 years ao, my ex and I had a RL group for couples who practice Domestic Discipline and other D/s. We had some pretty special people, and I've always loved the feeling that the BDSM world attracts pretty creative and imaginative people. I love being around that sort! But she and I were also living Ageplay, and as we grew and grew, more people who'd come for the DD, started talking about Ageplay, and the similarities (most Innerkids being fulfilled by some kind of Discipline, as they are). And we noted pretty quickly that there was some bigotry there, toward Ageplay. The same people who would preach dogma like "Your Kink Is Okay", and lived lives that most people would consider sick, and could never understand, treated (either passively or actively) those that wanted to talk about some Ageplay things at the meetings, as if they were sick, and could never be understood. So, I started a sub-group of our group (first called "Sugarspice Island", and the Guardian Island) and have run it ever since. And once it became possible for anyone to start a group via the Internet, and BDSM people started seeming to think that it mostly only occurs *on* the Internet, that bigotry certainly was clear, and so I lost a taste for joining herds online. Then, a couple of years ago, when Carolyn and I got together, we were talking about the other side of that coin -- that so often you get to know someone's "little girl" somewhere on GI, and feel you get to know her pretty well, only to learn later on that she also is her Daddy's submissive, or slave, or that she otherwise has other D/s interests. So the Backside evolved from there, wanting to address the several major things that *all* flavors of D/s have in common, including Ageplay. But to answer your core question, I think it's inherently true that Ageplay is a *form* of D/s, at least. To be a child is to be within the authority of someone else. As I've often said, it's Nature's original D/s relationship, and it's the only place in Western culture where D/s is not a choice -- no matter how devoted a submissive, or slave, or "Discipline sub" you are, you can legally walk away, or call a halt to the authority of the other person. A child is the only person who others with legal authority over their personal selves. Regressing to that state, inherently invites someone else to have authority over you, as an adult, and that seems axiomatically D/s, to me. I use the term "D/s" here instead of BDSM intentionally, because BDSM is such a large and wide umbrella. Contrary to popular more, it stands for *6* acronyms -- "Bondage and Discipline", "Dominance/submission", and "Sadism/Masochism". I don't see Ageplay as inherently relating to Bondage or Sadism or Masochism -- although in many cases it does. But many Innerkids have none of those interests -- except to submit to a pseudo-parental figure... on some level. Remember "sets" from High School? I'd say that "BDSM" is the super-set of all those six things, contained in three morphed-together acronyms (BD, DS, SM). And "D/s" is a subset of that, it exists within that super-set, as any need that includes giving someone else power over you, whether or not that need includes the B or the S or the M, too. And Ageplay is a sub-set withing D/s. A more specific grouping, within the set of those who get something from another having authority over them... just adding the detail that the authority figure be "parental". As for what others in other groups say about what something is, or isn't, just cultivate the delicate art of not giving a tinker's damn what anyone thinks your needs or labels or lifestyle is, or is not. --UB (peeler-offer-of-labels-and-sticker-on'er-of-"Don't-Panic"-stickers-in-their-place)

[tracy85]

Hi,

I think I realized my interest in age play as my bondage fantasies progressed.  I remember having my first realization that what turned me on was called bondage at 13 or so.   I think as I kept having these fantasies, my age always stayed 13...and recently, as i have become aware of my ageplay interests,  and realized it turned me on, I t has gone to 11 or so.   I guess my exploration of bondage scenes gave birth to my interests in this genre.

Tracy

[Tyrael]

Do must people that end up in ageplay start off in BDSM?  From the posts i've read thusfar it seems like most people started off in the BDSM community and then eventually ended up in ageplay.  It also seems like most people found their partner in some sort of BDSM circle.

I was also shocked to hear that many in the BDSM community would be critical of ageplaying.  IBDSM practitioners of all people should be the most likely to accept such a practice.

[sarafina]

fer me and m Pappa it was like that. we were both drawn to DS way afore we ever met... and i began ta discover my little side sorta in conjunction with my submissiveness...  and then i learned about ageplay and it sorta describes me pretty good.. well it kinda exactly described me actually

and when Driver met me he told me He was already knowin He was a Daddy... so thats how it was from the start fer us... but we both came at it as a Dom and a sub...

only that didnt have enuff scope fer us.

[The hiding of an inner,No Siamese's here.]

I met my bf on yahoo personals he is completely non kinky at all which is such a shame cause I'm into kink a lot. so most people but not every one meets partners from bdsm lol hehe, And I am into bdsm too but my interest in ageplay didn't come from bdsm it came from a friend of mine saying I'd make a cute baby and getting me addicted to baby bottles and the joy  and simple comfort they brought, and my needs just became clearer from a hot ageplay daddy do me kind of fantasy to a real deep seated deep connected need.

[BabyBrat]

*sparkles at Unka Bobby*

Thank you for creating this place, it's unique and wonderful. x

For me, ageplay and bdsm go hand in hand. I could have one without the other but i don't want it. Unfortunately at the moment im lacking in the BDSM part of it and that is just not me but that's a whole other topic.

An ageplay relationship for me has to have an aspect of discipline and punishment and that is where BDSM fits in for me. Daddy should have complete authority and control and whatever Hy decides is a fitting punishment, be that a spanking for the 4yo, or serious pain play for the brat, then so be it. I never explain myself very well in these things *shakes head distractedly*.

*thinks il come back when head is clearer* 

[katiididit]

Hi,

Haven't been around or posted for ages cause I have had that not fitting in anywhere feeling.  With Daddy and me it is fine.  I was lucky to meet him - our D/lg relationship evolved from a D/s one over a number of years.  However I still feel as if I would like other female friends who at least understand our relationship even if they aren't actually involved in one.  However as it was said before, certain lifestyle choices in the BDSM community are seen to be OK, ageplay and the concept of the IK make people feel uncomfortable.

Good luck in your search,

katy

 

[sammy]

I went to a local bdsm munch recently and I was wearing jeans that I had modified to look very babyish and bunches and a winnie the pooh top.  The munch was very well attended lots of people mingled together wearing alot of latex and rubber and passing around little devices that zapped each other.  Its not really my thing but im open minded and agree that everything is fine so long as its consensual.  The thing is later during the munch i was speaking to a friend of mine and he said that I was making people feel uneasy. I asked him what he meant and he said it was cause of the way I was dressed.  I had to laugh at that point. it seemed okay for people to wander around pretty much naked except for a few strips of rubber but it seemed me coming in fully clothed wearing bunches in my hair was putting people off.  I was wearing a nappy but it wasnt on show. and i wasnt just talking to random strangers and waving my ageplay in their face I was meeting a few close friends and that was it.
I guess it goes to show that ageplay still has a way to go before it get accepted widespread, which is a shame, its still a cool munch and i spoke to the lady who runs it and shes thankfully very open minded so said that come dressed anyway you feel like so thats cool, but it makes me sad that more people cant just be more open minded

[Brian Pendragon]

I feel like the odd man out here :-S   but oh well.. story of my life.

I found BDSM thru ageplay... that is I found ageplay first. 

For me ageplay was more then a life style it was theraputic... hell it's who I AM...  I never grew up.  t doesn't matter that I hold a well paying high tech job with more responsibilites then I care to handle.... when I come home I am 10yo brian. I can let those other problems go for a time. I can play games be silly, have fun.  My kids eat it up cuz daddy is playing with them and having FUN with them. (only my 17yo oldest knows the truth) 

This is not to say I can not be an adult or a good parent.  I am that when needed. and a good husband as well.  I know WHEN I need to be big and why. I am so VERY thankful to my wife that I CAN be a little boy agin with her as my mommy.

Because of my past, many thought that ageplay was just sexual for me.... they never really understood me...  then again.. maybe I never understood me...  Lately I have changed a lot...  I once thought I needed a daddy... to help "grow up" they way I thought i should have... but now I'm not so sure. The D/s aspect with my mommy/wife is growing. She is learning more and more and is my teacher. There is nothing like a good firm spanking to make me feel better on the inside.... and to help me let out the tears that have been bottled up since I was a boy.

Maybe in time I will aout grow ageplay and be happy with a D/s relationship.... but I doubt it.

*sigh*

Sorry for rambling on.  I thought this a very good topic and a VERY informative read.... I will be thinking about it a lot and I am sure to revisit this if for no other reason then to re read this and perhaps find something I missed the first time around.